Even if we would end up the same way,
even if I would be hundred times more hurt,
I don't bother anymore.
Because...I love you.

How does it feel like when you feel really horrible and you have to endure and put on a fake smile? How does it feel like when you have to crack jokes that you yourself won't laugh at but its just to show you are fine? How does it feel like when you have to laugh at jokes cracked by someone else which you don't feel good at all? How does it feel like when you have to pretend everything is fine when others asked if you are fine? How does it feel when others tried their best to make you laugh, and you don't feel happy at all and you are just obliged to laugh? How does it feel like when you have to put on a mask everyday and hide your true feelings? How does it feel like when you are just tired of holding that mask? How does it feel like when your heart is pain..and numb and you could no longer feel its presence..?

All along in my life, I always feel that god will take something away from me when I am at my happiest part of life. When all was smooth sailing in 2002, he took my granny to a faraway land. When all seemed good in 2004, someone I once loved walk out of my life.

Once again, 2009..

Last week, I hit a weekly target that I never hit before. I was in such happiness..and all that went through my mind...was 840K, a target I paced myself at this month, a target Deborah never set me at, a target I never have the thought about. Its just that feeling that this month would be a good month for my numbers. I left home..wearing a F21 dress that I once thought it was too long for me. I looked myself in the mirror, looking at the dress that was on my skin, just felt him close to me. I matched the dress with accessories, and I looked into the mirror..I never thought it could be so matching,,

I was reading a book when I was on the train. When I received the message, I looked back into the book..but not too sure why all words were all jumbled up..and the book almost didn't make any sense..I tried to focus really hard to read, but tears just went rolling down my cheeks..the first ever time I cried on the train. I used to see girls crying on the train, always thought I will never do the same. When I alighted from the train, I felt I was standing at a crossroad, I'm not too sure what to do, where to go... I messaged my deborah. I asked if I could get a half day leave coz I couldn't control my tears at all. Deborah called me immediately asked me what exactly happened, I had many words queued behind my mouth, but I just couldn't speak at all..I broke down..and cried at the platform. The first time I cried in public and I dun feel a sense of embarrassement.

A 5minute journey from city hall to my workplace suddenly seemed the longest journey I've ever taken. I reached my workplace, face filled with tears. Deborah took me out for breakfast immediately and we had a chat over the issue. After breakfast, I left office and called up Felicia.

The whole afternoon as I lie down on my bed, and my tears didnt stop flowing..just kept flowing like a spoilt tap..I tried to close my eyes..but each time I tried, it was all the flashbacks of the past. Deborah called me every few hours to "check" on me, asking me to stop crying..but the more she said, i cried even badly. It was until dinnertime, my mum forced me to get up for dinner..I forced every grain of rice into my mouth..the food seemed so unchewable..and tasted salty with tears mixing in...

Today, I left home trying to convince myself its a brand new start, and I shall not shed another tear. As I sat down by my desk, my mind were still in a mess. String of events kept twirling through my mind. I looked at the excel sheet , clicking and clicking, Kane rolled his chair over and asked me if I am okay. I asked him not to ask or my tears would roll again. I looked back to the computer, I tried making some calls, my mind still having flashbacks of what happened in the past, my heart started to ache..and I felt it bleeding..its so painful..and I felt it tearing me apart..I rolled my chair over to Kane, and I told him, my heart is realli realli painful..and he told me he understand hw I am feeling coz he felt the same recently when he broke up with his girlfriend.

I sat by my desk during lunchtime, telling myself to stop all my tears and to focus on my job. But as the weather changed and started pouring, my tears started washing down my cheeks..my heart ache even badly. I felt realli realli upset..as though my heart had been injected a large dosage of pain...as though my heart has been pierced once and once again..as though my heart is broken into pieces and grinded into powder form...it was just so unbearable. Mum called up, and asked me why I didnt go for lunch..my mouth opened trying badly to speak as the tears gushed down..Mum finally said she cooked dinner for me and we ended the conversation. I'm not sure why..I couldn't speak to her at all..I opened my mouth, forced a word and but nothing came out..

Kane came back from lunch and placed a cup of frolick before me. A cup of frolick filled with colourful conflakes. Thanks Kane, thanks for the frolick that you bought.. thanks for the care and concern. Thanks Michelle, for your attempts to jio me out for lunch.(I'm sorry, but its just i dun feel the appetite to eat). Thanks Eunice, I felt realli realli touched when I saw the email you sent. Thanks Ariel and yongjia for trying to pull me out for lunch. And Deborah, who provided her listening ear and getting the scoldings by big boss from my poor numbers these 2 days. Big Big thanks to Felicia, who listened to me and sharing views with me.

To stupendous: I feel I am always telling lame jokes..and doing stupid stunts with the stupid piglet. All I wanted is to cheer everyone up..all these while..I tried to make everyone happy. I dun mind being the clown in the team, as long I get some laughters and smiles from you all. But, the clown is going through some painful journey and is taking a long break...

Ask me what my feeling is now..Hurt. Really hurt..I dun mean to blog about my sadness..but its just that there are so many things that are running through my mind and everytime I tried to talk about it, nothing comes out of my mouth. My heart is realli painful..if there is a drug that is able to remove the pain in my heart, I would purchase is at all cost..and if I can live without a heart, I would rather not have it and I would beg really badly to have it removed at this instant..

I don't believe I've been in Citibank for one year till I re-signed my contract recently. I've been in Citi for one year?? Its now my second year in Citi, and probably its really time to think what I really want to do, or achieve. The initial plan was to stay in Citi for at least 3 years to 5 years, but now it just seems not right. I have no idea why. I don't deny the fact that my current job brings money in easily. But, sometimes, it just keeps me thinking if there is really a future here? Yes, I may have heard some success stories, but i just don't feel I would be the female lead in those stories.

Soon later, when the other dragon babies graduate from universities, I'm going to face even more competition trying to get a place in the workforce. I really really hated studying, I really really dread those long hours in lecture halls. But, at the end of the day, I know I have to get back to school and get some qualification so as to survive in the future workforce filled with M.A. Grads. What's worse, I have no idea what I want to do, or want to be. I have a diploma certificate in Applied Food Science & Nutrition. But, I have no intentions in following the science or cooking path. Yes, cooking is my passion,  but I don't forsee it being in my daily life, 9-5 or 8-6. If you ask me to do research work in labs wearing those white coat 8-6 or 9-5, its even impossible. First, the pay is horrible. Second, everyone who knows me knows I'm someone who loves to doll up and wear different sets of clothes the whole month.

One year in Citi, I've learnt alot about banking. It really feels good when you learnt something, and your mind just pops up the thought, "Ah..so its like that!" We celebrate when there's good sales, hitting stretched targets as a team. But, when the sales are bad, the bosses turn around and start identifying the contributors to poor sales as if putting us to the target board. We start fretting, scratching our heads trying to think of ways and means to get away from the chopping board. We can do 100 good things, but we just need 1 bad thing to let people forget about the good things we have done.

I recall writing the composition  "what i want to be when i grow up". I remember having so many aspirations I want to fulfill and occupations I want to try out. Its just so different when one grows up and finds the real world isn't so perfect as one imagined to be. And, we all have to accept, its just life. The question left is, If we were to rewrite the composition, would we still score with flying colours we used to have?

Have u all been to malacca? If u all haven't, maybe you should all go there and have a look. I've just been there on 11th september with my colleagues. It was supposed to be a company trip..for team bonding..but apparently not all of my team members went. Only 3 of my team mates went. It was a 2D1N trip at Malacca. We stayed at Equatorial hotel in Malacca.

Supposed to be a luxury tour (from luxury tour agency), but instead we sat in a stuffy 40 seat-er coach. It wasn't comfortable on the coach at all..but we all managed to survive the 4hour journey. When we reached Malacca, we had a "luxurious" paid lunch at one of the chinese restaurant that serves awful dishes. We had vegetables that tasted bitter, which means traces of pesticides or unwashed. Prawns that tasted like they were fished from the bins, obviously not fresh..let's not go down the list.

After lunch, we went to some historical sites, Porta De Santiago, St. Paul's hill, Christchurch, Stadthuys, Malacca Clock tower and Queen Victoria's Fountain. (The photos are below) Then, we headed to Equatorial hotel for check-in. Dinner was again a paid meal, but this time much better than before. We had peranakan food for dinner..my favourite is of course the CHENDOL!!! Its YUMMILICIOUS!!

After dinner, we headed to Jonker's street, which is a night market. They sell food, handicrafts, clothes, mini fans..etc. (Like our pasar malam) And then, finally, we went to Pure Bar for clubbing. I bet nobody have seen anybody clubbing in slippers and bermudas rite? Hehe! Nobody knew we were going to club..so..many people just went unprepared..

The second day..it was free time. So my "gang" and I went to jonker's street to get some goodies and had lunch at one of the famous hainanese chicken rice stall. If you are going there i future, dun be cheated by the chicken rice balls. They are not nice at all. Even sergeant chicken rice from suntec food republic tastes better. But chendol is a MUST eat! +.+








My emo shots...



So called wedding album...


Photos at historical sites

Just thought it was realli funny..

I called a customer the other day.

I said," Hello, may I speak to Mr Tan?"

A little girl answered and said, "Ya.....who are u????"

I replied, "This is Winnie on the line, calling from Citibank."

The little girl shouted, "Daddy!!! Got someone looking for u!!"

Customer asked his daughter, "Who is that?"

The little girl replied, "Winnie from PIGGYBANK!!"

-.-"..Duh! When did i said i was calling from piggybank? Did I in anyway snork or maybe sound like pig? Or maybe i have too many piglet stuff toys..??

Don't you think kids are realli funny little creatures?

***
Went out with Kaiwen on saturday for dinner, we went to tampopo restaurant at Taka. We were in the queue..then we overheard a conversation.

Guy behind us said, "Hello. Where the hell are u?"

Duno what the girl at the other side said...

But the guy said, "I already said its opposite the yoshinoya. How many yoshinoya there are in taka?? How many times must i repeat myself?? Which part of my sentence do you not understand?!"

Duno wad the girl at the other side said...

Then the guy replied, "f***...you very bimbo lehx!"

Er....

When the girl arrived, her face looked realli swollen and eyes looked as though she didnt stop crying the day she was born! And the guy couldn't be bothered about her...just continued playing his psp as though she is made of glass..

Ermx.

***

After working for a year in Citibank, finally managed to save up some funds to bring my mummy to Hong Kong. Hong Kong is really my paradise! I must say, it is really a place that you just focuses on 2 things..Shopping and eating. (Mai dong xi, chi dong xi) We went from 2nd August till 7th August. Must say a big thank you to Kane who introduced a realli good hotel! Xie Xie ni, Da peng you!!

After the U.S. trip with felicia and her family, I learnt to plan my trip beforehand. So, I managed to do some readings from internet and books and highlighted some places of interest in hongkong, and places for shopping etc. Of course my itinery cannot be compared to Felicia's dad's itinery..I'm still in the learning process. (Please accept my excuse!)

Date: 2^nd August- 7^th August (Sunday-Friday)

Air ticket Prices: $438 (Jet star Asia Airways)

Itinerary Details

Date	Flight Number	Departing	Arriving
Sun 2 Aug 2009 e	3K691t JetSaver *	Singapore Sun 2 Aug 2009 0640 hr / 6:40 am Changi Airport Terminal 1	Hong Kong Sun 2 Aug 2009 1025 hr / 10:25 am
Fri 7 Aug 2009	3K696 JetSaver *	Hong Kong Fri 7 Aug 2009 2015 hr / 8:15 pm	Singapore Fri 7 Aug 2009 2350 hr / 11:50 pm Changi Airport Terminal 1

 Accommodation: Prudential Hotel, $571 (3025HKD)  

        


When I brought the itinery to Hong Kong, I started changing some parts of it..couldnt quite finish the things listed coz my mummy and I were too carried off when we saw something nice and refused to leave. Hehe. And when i reached Hong Kong, I managed to get maps and wrote down all the directions for the places. I can still rmb those good places to visit..I believe the nxt time i go to Hong Kong again, I'm bound to remember! My fave shopping store: Maple. My favourite shopping place: Fa Yuen Street. My fave food: Roast duck rice. My fave dessert place: Joy cuisine. And the list just goes on and on. I LOVE HONG KONG!!!!! OMG!!!

Enjoy the pictures!





Trust me, Its realli horrible taking ferry. It may seemed realli nice..but its even "nice" when u get seasick. And I kinda get my "bonus" when we were on the ferry. It was raining realli heavily and the wind was really strong, which made the ferry even "jerky". But thank goodness, we landed safely still. We met the morra ca rainstorm when we were in Hong Kong. The weather was realli unpredictable. It can be realli hot, and suddenly it starts pouring, and the wind was so strong that it seemed that such a heavy person person like me can be blown away!
Well the remaining pictures are all about macau..sorry for not taking pictures of portuguese egg tarts. They just somehw ended in my stomach very quickly...i bet nobody would want me to take a picture of the end product right? Okay its disgusting. Enjoy the rest of the pics!



You just can't think of any reason not to love Hong Kong right? Its such a wonderful place. Maybe its a little crowded, maybe its not realli easy communicating when you duno how to speak cantonese. But still, Hong Kong is my shopping heaven. Its my third home! Hehe. 1st Home: Of course is my own home residence. Second home: Millenia tower (My office). Third home: Hong Kong!!!!

My next stop: korea!!!

This post is a continuation from the previous post..

Stupendous Chalet 2009 (June 26~June 28)



My 21st Birthday (29th June 2009)  At Genting Highlands


Next post: Hong Kong trip..=)

Sorry for all the inconvenience!! I was angry with the blogger for not being able to post images, hence decided to shift the blog here. Haven realli blogged for some time..shall update what I've been up to lately...

Karate Gathering for my birthday





Felicia's 21st Bday







Wan er's 21st Bday




Citibank's Appreciation Day



Take a rest for now...will upload more pics again soon!